Kettle morning / I survived

Thrills and Karma, you remember I survived 09, 08, 07. And yeah, maybe I did too much, bills and pooze, they were my days to lose and I won, my life is begun—beginning to carry some weight, enough to slay off (into) the snow, here I go, down a dirt road again, to the beach without a board, the truth for the day is in the waves, and tonight beneath the trees we will breath the sounds of the bush, tea-tree waves and smile, open another can of Lion Red, we are not dying or dead, the kettle will wake tomorrow and the hillside will still be full of goarse, hah! It’s another day at the beach I think.

Kill Moon

Still here, just saw the movie Moon. 2001, Solaris, The Prestige…
As the rocks fall, a shower, like a waterfall… Good film, sad, referencing sure, but cohesive…

If one believes what how / as others see you, then you destroy
yourself.   There is no self as others see you.

You know the dream-truth self which you are meant to be – if you put
it out there, people may crush it.

They may project their untruth-realities on you.

Bob Dylan’s destiny.

You too are precious

To not let things bother me here this time around I turned down my sensitivity way down low. Problem – there is an element of can’t be bothered that comes with it. I should have helped that lost dog, somehow, but with a head full of happy, I just left it to someone else and now I fear he’s lost.

Happy

It was the worst of times, that saw the best of people.
Looking back on the last couple of years, this is how I feel.
I learned who had my back and who didn’t and thankfully I met some great, caring individuals who didn’t really know me, but lent me their hand and support.

I wonder now, why am I so happy?
Well, it’s great not to have to worry about money all the time. It’s a real relief to know that the rent will be paid for the foreseeable future without a weekly panic and scramble for funds.

It’s been so good to return to Korea with the welcome and support of my friends.
My self-esteem got so low over the last two years, it’s wonderful to know that people like me and need me. I feel connected to these people, with our shared experience and mutual respect, something I didn’t always feel (at least to any degree) with my relationships in New Zealand (circa 2006 – 2007).
I am really happy and I know that as much as I felt adrift and uncared for for  a period in Australia and New Zealand I now feel connected and in someone’s mind.

It was incredibly tough being almost reduced to homelessness in two years, after the promise of relative financial security was dangled infront of me.

Inspired (trance association) by Country Disappeared (Wilco)

I wake up with you
In New Zealand again
The waves last night
Have washed away our building
Every evening it’s the same
All the plans for revenge
Slide back underneath
Crabs feet, fish tails and broken kelp
I won’t be no-one else
I’ll always wake up with you
Wherever I am
The day the sun the bread
On the grass
It never fades no matter how crazy
They might want us to become.

I can hear words
Sails on a song
Only meaning it ebbs and
The colours change
In my mind,
Thank you.

Rain

Rain, steadily falling for 48 hours, the local stream is very high. I went to look, I’m shut in anyway, sick, coughing mucus, but it was awesome to see so much moving water.
Al Pacino, 88 mins, why Al? Why?
Should do some comparative film analysis, exercise my brain, I enjoyed it on the flight over.

Jump

I got angry with some kids today, they were catching and killing dragonflies, which distressed me. I should have just ignored it.
I was frustrated today, mainly because of a lack of pills, but generally things have been good. I’m not going to bring frustration and culture shock into an obsessive loop as I did before – well, hopefully as long as my depression is under control.
Things are closer here, which is good for now. I saw what may have been a squad or platoon walking along the path opposite as I went home tonight. Some had red light sticks and they were surreal in their silence. There were drink kettles and perhaps food waiting. Perhaps they were a clean up crew, I saw the army helping out before after heavy rain and flood damage a few years ago. The might have been a troop on a company outing, I’m not sure.

Yesterday I saw a fish. Today I saw a mouse and a frog.
Little wonder.

If only I had some money and some dry shoes

the salmon jumped free
from the swollen stream
to my surprise
to my delight
over the white water
with a tail flick
i see it and marvel
did i really see that?
great rain
for two days and
nights
wreaked everything
on the river banks
but left that fish
alright.

Progress

This place has changed. So have I. More so the latter I think. It’s lush summer stream side. Green. People have planted more vegetables along the banks. There’s a big new building. I bought new glasses today. Lighter. I’m feeling easy.

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You are what you value – you are what you do.